Written by: Tracie Barton-Barrett, MS, NCC, LPC

September 2005

“He was just a dog.” “She was just a cat. What’s the big deal? Just get another one.” For animal lovers who have lost a pet and are grieving, these comments are not helpful. Often times an animal is more like a member of the family than “just an animal.” We enjoy our lives with our animals and we value our personal history with them. The pet serves as a living treasure-trove of memories. These experiences and memories are irreplaceable and they don’t simply vanish when the animal dies.

The Normalcy of Grief

Grieving is a normal reaction to the loss of something or someone for which there is an attachment or a value. Our society, in particular, is not known for grieving in healthy ways. Also, our personal understanding of grief can further complicate the grieving process. One of the most common statements I hear as a counselor is “I can’t believe I feel this way! My mother died, my father died, and I did not react in nearly the same way! Is there something wrong with me?” Not acknowledging the grief to even yourself can have further implications. If grief is not processed in a healthy way, one loss can be a trigger for previous unresolved losses.

Although grief is a very personal reaction, the following are some of the most common emotional and physical reactions to losing a pet:

• Shock/disbelief/numbness/denial
• Anger at pet; at others; at God
• Sadness/depression
• Anxiety, guilt, loneliness
• Embarrassment and confusion
• Headaches or stomachaches
• Increase or decrease in eating or sleeping habits
• Pain/heaviness in chest     

Bless the Children and The Elderly

As a parent, you may have difficulty helping your children process their grief, especially if you yourself are grieving. But, for many children, the loss of a pet is the first time they experience death in their lives. This can be even more painful for children because they oftentimes don’t have the experience or vocabulary to deal with their feelings of loss. In many cases, children experience grief with bodily reactions, most commonly manifested in an increase in stomachaches or headaches. You may be uncomfortable or doubt the value of addressing this loss with your children, but it is important to be honest with them and tell them specifically that the pet has died--NOT that the pet has “gone to sleep” or “run away.” Children often interpret statements literally which can easily lead to misinterpretation. It is helpful to ask them how they feel about the loss of their pet and then validate how they feel. They may not feel like talking about it at that time, but they will know that you are available should they need to talk. 

Another group of people who are strongly impacted and may not have the voice to express their feelings by the loss of a pet is the elderly. After the death of a spouse or after the children have left home, a pet becomes a trusted companion. Pets help the person to stay connected to life because the person finds purpose in caring for their animal. Please pay close attention to the elderly in your community during this time.

Commemorating Our Beloved Pets

In processing grief, creating a ritual or memorial is important, especially for children. Children are incredibly imaginative and creative and their ritual may even serve as a model to help you deal with your grief. Some examples of rituals include holding a prayer service, burying the pet, having a moment of silence, creating a scrapbook, or writing a poem, story or song. You are only limited by your imagination.

Think About It Before You Get Another Pet

Usually after the loss of an animal, the thought of getting another animal is not far behind. But I caution you before jumping to fill a void in your life. One can easily forget all the time, energy and costs involved with a new pet. In addition, you are looking at a 10-15 year time commitment, depending upon the lifespan of the animal. Ask yourself what will your life look like during that amount of time. Be certain that the reason for getting another pet is to share your love and compassion with an animal that needs it.

Your Beloved Pet Will Not Be Forgotten

Much like working a muscle to make it stronger, you need to give yourself time and energy to grieve so your spirit can be built up again, in a new way. For those who have dealt with a loss of a pet, the relationship or connection is not forgotten, it just looks different now. Although “just getting another one” is something you might eventually do, you will know you have worked on the grief when you don’t cry as often or even think about your pet as much. This isn’t betraying your beloved pet, but rather you have found an important place in your heart for the pet that has died. You have also made room in your heart to love and cherish another animal that will touch your heart.

Tracie Barton-Barrett

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